I am a very sensitive person. What that means is that I feel my emotions intensely. When I’m happy, I’m very happy. When I’m sad, I’m very sad. When something doesn’t work out as planned, I may have a tendency to initially become highly anxious, over exaggerate and feel somewhat devastated. For years, I thought something was wrong with me until I realized that some people are just more sensitive to their emotions than others. So whenever I encounter disappointments in my life, I tend to think and feel the worse. I believe I should have seen it coming. I believe I should have been better prepared or worked harder. I believe I should have been smarter than that. Ultimately, I believe it’s my fault and that I am the ultimate failure.
Let me share my setback story with you. After eight years of school, completing a one year full time accredited internship program and an additional one year advanced training fellowship program, the unthinkable happened. I, Dr. Ashley Carroll, could not find a job. I went on multiple interviews around the country to face rejection after rejection. This was not the plan. You are supposed to go to school, work hard, finish and then life is easy, right? I was so wrong. The next few years brought trials that I thought would completely break me, and my confidence, as I attempted to establish my career in psychology. I received a great job offer that was taken away weeks later due to funding issues within the company. Of course, I learned about this after I had already given up my apartment and packed up my entire life. When I thought I landed my dream job at a children’s hospital in California, I wasn’t even able to pass that dumb California supplemental exam to get licensed and maintain that position. Despite being licensed to practice in two states, California decided that they needed to make it unnecessarily difficult to practice in their state. I failed that exam not once, but twice. Oh, and get this…each time I failed, it was by one point. “Why is this happening to me?” “Am I not smart enough to do this?” “Does God even care anymore?” I remember after failing the second time and making that embarrassing phone call to my supervisor at the time. Despite knowing that I did all I could and my supervisor and co-workers advocating for me to the Board of Psychology, I felt so small. Because I am a highly sensitive person as we previously discussed, I thought life as I knew it, was over. I immediately took the next day off to sulk and binge watch the first two seasons of Game of Thrones. Eventually, I picked myself up, and decided to make a game plan to begin that horrible job search again in a state where I already received my license. Thankfully, I found another opportunity that came along and sent me to Austin, Texas where I began to settle down, make new friends, and create a life. Oh, and it turns out that California did send an apology letter, after I left and moved my life to Texas, explaining that there was an error in their system. Turns out I did pass that exam, both times. Are you kidding me?!
Several factors come to play when a person decides how to deal with a setback. This could be based on personality factors and/or how much support and resources one has. Some researcher out there has found a way to track how many negative thoughts we have each day. His estimated average was 5,000. Can you believe that? On average, we have about 5,000 negative thoughts per day. I’m not sure how we became so pessimistic in our thinking, but this clearly shows that most people have a tendency to divert to a negative worldview when they have a problem to solve or a personal crisis. Why is this? Why do we automatically assume things will not work out or that we will encounter some barrier to our goals? When we encounter a setback, what makes us instantly blame ourselves or others rather than finding motivation to push through to another viable option? I believe it is because we are afraid. We are afraid to have a positive, optimistic mindset for fear that things will not go as planned. Is it possible that by automatically thinking negatively and assuming the worst, we are actually protecting ourselves from further disappointment? If we believed it wouldn’t work out, then how could we become more upset?
I decided to conduct a random poll and ask people what were their biggest setbacks in life. These are some of the answers I received:
1. “Not getting into the school I wanted to go to.”
2. “Not finishing school.”
3. “Calling off my engagement.”
4. “Not finding a job right after school.”
5. “Changing career paths when one didn’t work out.”
6. “Getting divorced.”
7. “Realizing I was not on the career path I wanted.”
8. “Getting demoted.”
9. “My mom dying unexpectedly.”
10.“Getting pregnant .”
11.“Getting laid off.”
12.“Getting sick.”
These are just a few of the responses I received. We all experience curveballs in life. How we deal with them is what is important. I believe there are four (or five) steps we can take when a curveball hits us.
1. Accept it. Some setbacks are unavoidable. You can’t prevent or change stressors such as the death of a loved one, a serious illness, or a national recession. In such cases, the best way to cope with these setbacks is to accept things as they are. Acceptance may be difficult, but in the long run, it’s easier than fighting against a situation you can’t change. Don’t try to control the uncontrollable. Many things in life are beyond our control— particularly the behavior of other people. Rather than stressing out over them, focus on the things you can control such as the way you choose to react to problems.
2. Stop blaming yourself. It isn’t helpful, and in most cases, the setback was likely not all of your fault. Self-blame is an unhealthy way of thinking that only increases your anxiety and/or depression about a situation. Don’t further discourage yourself while you are already dealing with a crisis.
3. Learn from it. Do something about it.Look for the upside. As the saying goes, “What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.” When facing major challenges, try to look at them as opportunities for personal growth. If your own poor choices contributed to a stressful situation, reflect on them and learn from your mistakes.
4. Adapt.If you can’t change the setback, change yourself. You can adapt to stressful situations and regain your sense of control by changing your expectations and attitude.
a. Reframe the problem. Try to view the situation from a more positive perspective. Rather than fuming about a traffic jam (me every day in Dallas), look at it as an opportunity to pause and regroup, listen to your favorite podcast, or enjoy some alone time.
b. Look at the big picture. Take perspective of the situation. Ask yourself how important it will be in the long run. Will it matter in a month? A year? Yes, sometimes, we emotionally sensitive people do overreact to a change. Is it really worth getting this upset over? If the answer is no, focus your time and energy elsewhere.
c. Adjust your standards. Perfectionism is a major source of avoidable stress. Stop setting yourself up for failure by demanding perfection. Set reasonable standards for yourself and others, and learn to not settle but to be okay with “good enough.”
d. Focus on the positive. When an unexpected change is getting you down, take a moment to reflect on all the things you appreciate in your life, including your own positive qualities and gifts. This can help you keep things in perspective.
e. Adjusting Your Attitude. How you think can have a profound effect on your emotional and physical well-being. Each time you think a negative thought about yourself, your body reacts as if it were in the middle of a tension-filled situation. If you see good things about yourself, you are more likely to feel good; the reverse is also true. Eliminate words such as "always," "never," "should," and "must." These are red flags of self-defeating thoughts.
5. Use your faith. If you are a person of faith, we know that all things do work together for our good (Romans 8:28). This is one of my favorite scriptures because it helps remind me that no matter what happens in my life, even if it does not make sense, God is still there and still making it work. A friend of mine put it best when she said that all of her “setbacks” worked out as blessings in the end, so she cannot really call them “setbacks” anymore. If I had passed that exam and stayed in California for MY “five year plan,” I would have not moved to Austin and not met my fiancé just two months later. There is that saying, “If you want to make God laugh, make a plan” : )
So yes, I write too much! I’ll work on that. I would love to hear your thoughts about how you apply these principles to your life. Feel free to leave comments below! Thanks for reading and growing with me.
Please join me next week as we learn together about Gratitude.
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